March 2018
I eat a good breakfast full of protein and fibres, then wait an hour and fifteen minutes before I mindfully start to warm up; I make an iskiate drink that’ll give me the energy to move on; I have a new phone with a functioning battery and all the useful apps are running while all the distracting ones have been shut off; iTunes is waiting with a perfect running playlist, I’m all set to run 12k today.
My friend calls. We’re on the phone for two hours straight. By the time I go out, I’m so hungry, my run’s a disaster.
Now, to be clear, every start of my runs is disastrous. I hate the first kilometre. I absolutely loathe it. Like an abusive boyfriend, my mind goes through these exact same gaslighting techniques every fucking time:
Ugh, running. Are we seriously doing this again?
| Ignoring the voice |
Why are you doing this again?
Hey? Hey? Hey? Hey? Chris? Hello? Chris? Hey? Chris? Hello?
Why are you doing this again? It’s not a rhetorical question.
I’m just curious. I’ve forgotten. Why are you running?
| It clears my head. |
So you’ve got a full head and THIS is how you treat yourself?
I don’t know, it sounds like you could use a break more than you could use the fatigue.
| I need to train for the half-marathon. |
“I need to. I have to. I must."
Sounds very healthy, indeed!
| Ignoring the voice |
Isn’t the half-marathon still like…
weeks away? Months, even?
| Ignoring the voice |
I just don’t quite understand why you’d prioritize running
over a pizza
or curry noodles
or cassave chips
or Tony Chocolonely’s dark almond sea salt chocolate-
| Shut the fuck up. |
I understand you’re hungry, but there’s no need to get aggressive.
| Evy tells me that at this moment, I’ve been running for 5 minutes |
Five minutes already!
That’s GREAT! You can almost stop.
Isn’t there scientific proof that if you want to get in shape, 7 minutes of workout a day will suffice?
| Maybe, but not if you’re train- |
You’re ALMOST at 7 minutes.
Why don’t you go home and reward yourself with an episode of Crazy ExGirlfriend?
COME ON. You know you want it.
| No. |
Hooey!
I know you want it. Cause you’re a good girl…
| I HATE THAT SONG |
I know.
The bad news: the voice is here to stay.
The good news: it stays only for the first 7 minutes. It dies down without me even noticing, somewhere between hitting the 1k-point and slaloming through bikes and cars to cross the road.
The best news: nothing is as exhausting as this perpetual inner dialogue, not even training for a half-marathon. And I’ve been living with that voice for quite some time now, so I think I can handle a bit of run training.
Today, though, it’s different. The monologue doesn’t die down. After 3 kilometres, I give up.
As I slowly make my way home, I expect it to rage about my resign, but there’s nothing. I try its criticism for size. “You’re such a quitter"; “You will never make it to 21k”, it goes. But the words evaporate like smoke from a dead match.
I come home, shower, eat something fairly unhealthy which I fairly enjoy, and I write down: 6 k interval training, in a slow pace, with lots of walks in between.
The Voice: Silencing Edition.
Now eat that.